I've been chasing God every since I realized He existed. That is, pretty much since the words "seek ye first the kingdom of Heaven" jumped out at me from the pages of the Bible. I was a very young person struggling to understand what direction my life should take. This, I determined, would be the main focus I would strive for in the years that were to come.
But try as I might, the more I chased after him, the farther he seemed to retreat. Now, I never expected to catch him, but I hoped he might slow down enough for me to at least walk beside him. For years, I struggled with a host of problems - - depression, sexual sin, bulimia, theological questions that seemed beyond my ability to deal with and sent my faith into a tailspin, and most recently, multiple bouts of cancer. I often wondered where God was at in all my problems and why I couldn't feel his presence. Most of the time I couldn't pray and felt total emptiness. Forget about the times I had felt joy as a baby Christian. Those where the times I enjoyed being at church and experienced the presence of the Lord in prayer, to the point where I felt like an electric current was running through my body.
Many times during all this, I literally "tied a knot at the end of my rope and hung on." I told myself, "What else can I do?" I didn't want to throw in the towel and take the attitude that he didn't exist, or if he did he didn't care about me. Somewhere, somehow, I knew he would answer if I just held on long enough.
